


Use Your Ears

by underscoredom



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-War, Dialogue-Only, Humor, M/M, Pre-Slash, Snape is alive!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-12
Updated: 2012-04-12
Packaged: 2017-11-03 12:51:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/381523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/underscoredom/pseuds/underscoredom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ron thinks Snape and Harry are a couple. We-eell, Ron, it's a tad bit something like that...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Use Your Ears

**Author's Note:**

> An old piece of fanfiction I found while looking through my livejournal. Written before the books finished, so consider this an AU ending of sorts. Cross-posted in my [Livejournal](http://undrscoredom2nd.livejournal.com/2195.html#cutid1).

“Don’t be absurd Weasley. Potter and I are not a couple.”  
  
“Too right Ron. The very idea makes me want to hurl.”  
  
“Reciprocated.”  
  
“I can’t believe this. It’s just too good to be true. Are you absolutely sure? You both know that you can ponder the question before answering, yeah? Examine your inner conscience or—”  
  
“Weasley, for months I have been trying, without success, to prove to Potter, that, as far as intelligence and understanding are concerned, you are not capable of either. Now that I have proof, I have the tiniest of urges to prance around Potter, maliciously telling him that I told him so. What part of no can’t you comprehend— Potter, that was my nose!”  
  
“Stop giving me that look Severus. You insulted Ron; did you think I’d let you get away with that? Anyway, as much as that was uncalled for, Severus is still right. We’re not a couple.”  
  
“But you call him Severus.”  
  
“Albus called me Severus, and so did the Dark Lord, on occasion, yet I don’t see you accusing me of being involved with either men. Shall I list to you all my sexual escapades with Lucius Malfoy, who also called me Severus?”  
  
“You had escapades with Malfoy?!”  
  
“Don’t shriek Potter; you’re turning twenty-six for Merlin’s sake. Don’t be ludicrous either. Of course I didn’t, and I wouldn’t now that the aristocratic pimp is out of Azkaban and has lost all that sophistication. When do you think we had the time to hump like rabbits during both wars? Do I have to mention that I was a spy and was busy maintaining the appearance of a devoted Death Eater? Or that Lucius had a wife and child who commanded his attention? Do close your mouth Weasley. I know what’s going through that vacant space you pass off as a brain, and the answer is this: no, I would not fuck Lucius for any reason.”  
  
“I, uh, well thanks for letting me know, I think, but have you always been this talkative?”  
  
“Psh. Don’t mind Severus, Ron. Git just isn’t used to talking to other people yet. The rush of human interaction hasn’t worn off of him yet. He killed my poor ears the first two weeks he moved in— Ow! You fucking nut!”  
  
“One more unwarranted comment from you and it won’t be your leg you’ll be worried about.”  
  
“So now I need to get permission before saying what I want?”  
  
“Unless you want a repeat performance of last month, then the answer to your question is yes.”  
  
“Prick. Git. Fucking sock. So Ron, is that all?”  
  
“Yes, I mean no— sod it. If you really want to know, it’s Hermione and Ginny who want to know, and they’ve been bugging me for months to talk to you because I’m the best friend and supposedly, you’ll open your little heart for me. I don’t really care who you’re with— but Hermione listed points and you know how she is about her arguments; she’ won’t just take no for an answer—”  
  
“Weasley, cease your infuriating babbles. Instead of wastefully talking to us— I say wastefully because Potter and I would be entitled to lie, if, theoretically speaking, we were a couple— why not just use Legilimency at me? I’ve heard you’ve become quite remarkable at the skill, or perhaps it is simply an exaggeration, since the news came from Potter, and he, himself, was dreadfully troll at Occlumency.”  
  
“….Sometimes I wonder why I ever let you live with me, Severus.”  
  
“If I remember correctly, you immediately sympathized with my lifestyle as a former Death Eater nobody wanted to befriend even though my name was cleared. That and you refused to let my dwell in my own house, which, according to your words, was a place for the scums and the rats and I was not one of them. Although flattering, let me remind you that I still carry a grudge for that unwarranted commentary, considering that my mother lived there as well. Oh, and let’s not forget my dashing good looks— for God’s sake Weasley, do you never hinge your mouth shut? That was obviously laced with sarcasm. Moving on, do you agree in performing Legilimency on me?”  
  
“But you’re good at Occluemency. What if you’re hiding something from me?”  
  
“Well, well, well. It seems that my judgments of your intellect have been somewhat miscalculated. There may be hope for you after all.”  
  
“….Thank you Professor.”  
  
“That’s Snape to you, Weasley. You may as well call me that; I am not teaching any more and refuse to in the future. Why not perform Legilimency on Potter then?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Honestly Potter, why are you surprised? Surely you must have concluded on your own that you are the most suitable candidate. I’ve already mentioned how awful you were at Occlumency just a while ago, and it’s true. You are a dunderhead at it, you couldn’t keep Voldemort out of your head— you oaf, you kicked me!”  
  
“Yeah well, who’s making unwarranted commentary now?”  
  
“…I’ll try to refrain from injuring your fragile ego next time.”  
  
“Good enough. So, fine, I’ll do it because because.”  
  
“….”  
  
“Well Weasley, what are you waiting for?”  
  
“I’m thinking and I don’t think I have to use it on either of you. Volunteering yourselves already proves you have nothing to hide.”  
  
“A mistake on your part, Weasley. What if this really was a tactic set up so you would forgo further investigations and let us be on our unknown relationship? Nevertheless, I am glad to see that this is finally over. Mr. Weasley, if that is all you require from us, I am leaving. Coming Potter?”  
  
“Nah. Think I’ll stay behind.”  
  
“Remember, later—”  
  
“Yes, don’t worry about it.”  
  
“…”  
  
“Better?”  
  
“Yeah. Like a breath of fresh air.”  
  
“Yeah, he is.”  
  
“—!”  
  
“Buggery damn! Shit, Ron, stop it! It’s not funny, okay? I picked it up from Snape.”  
  
“So now he’s Snape again. You two are a couple!”  
  
“No! No, seriously, we’re not.”  
  
“How come you two act so close to each other? I don’t remember you two being like that to each other, before or after the war.”  
  
“I know. But in order to actually stand living under the same roof as him, I really had to push my patience to the limits. It really sucked that Severus was still moping after the war— he’s a fucking hero for Merlin’s sake, he could have at least drank to his honor. So I pestered him until he didn’t act like a mole and later on, we ended up being more or less civil with one another.”  
  
“Civil, huh? I suppose developing feelings for him wasn’t part of your plan.”  
  
“No. That was a sudden kick up my arse. I’d be nauseated if I wasn’t too busy being attracted to him.”  
  
“So Hermione’s half-right I suppose. You know, ‘Mione and Ginny’s been really worried that you’re not seeing anyone. Especially Ginny. She didn’t give you up just so you’d end up alone, you know.”  
  
“…I know; we’ve spoken about it.”  
  
“So. Is that what’s ‘later’ for? Are you planning some sort of ritual involving sex—”  
  
“No, pervert! Severus fell in love with the eighties all over again and manipulated me into coming with him at some re-tour of some old band of his.”  
  
“Wow, aren’t you are devoted to him. When do you plan on telling the bugger?”  
  
“Ron, could you imagine my future if I decide to tell him? I don’t! By that time, my liver would probably be in Moscow as potions ingredients or my stomach could be sold as pie ingredient!”  
  
“Ugh. I would never eat you, mate. Or stomachs for that matter. But it would be nice to get it over, you know. Better to be sure that Snape hasn’t got any feelings for you now than to find out when you’re both withering portraits that you really want to fuck each other off.”  
  
“I— You think so?”  
  
“Sure. I mean, if it’s possible for the Harpies to win in the World Cup, anything’s possible. Don’t let it upset you. You know what Hermione would say if she were here?”  
  
“Buzz off and consult a book?”  
  
“Hah. Well, she does say that often, the buzzing off. Merlin knows how excited I am for the baby’s arrival. No, she’d tell you that the war’s fucking over and it’s time you pursue your happiness.”  
  
“You’re right, Hermione’s right. God, I’m such a hopeless prick. I should strangle him until he admits having sexual fantasies about me.”  
  
“That’s the spirit Harry. Although that’s definitely an adventure I wouldn’t mind missing.”


End file.
